Quotes from White Collar Episode "Upper West Side Story"

Season 3, Episode 12 Air Date: January 24, 2011

Burke: Uh-huh. You bought coffee, Yankee tickets—This is not your most subtle con.
Caffrey: Con? Peter, I am hurt that you—
Burke: You're trying to get back on my good side.
Caffrey: Is that a crime?
Burke: No. But let's review what is. Mozzie steals your treasure, and do you report it? No. You plot to steal it.
Caffrey: We don't have to do this.
Burke: Oh, but we do. We discovered Adler's u-boat. And while you were coming in here, looking me right in the eye, you were hiding the art under my nose. But that's not the worst of it.
Caffrey: Look, Peter, I'm sorry. Okay?
Burke: You should be.

Caffrey: Did Hogwarts book a field trip?
Burke: Looks like it. Jones, who's that?
Jones: Oh, uh, Evan Leary. The kid was sitting in the lobby since 7:00. Said he wouldn't leave until he spoke with a case agent.
Burke: He asked to see a case agent?
Caffrey: Someone did his homework.
Burke: 10 points for Gryffindor.

Caffrey: Uh, Neal... Caffrey. I work here, but I'm not an agent. Took the road less recommended. Nice tie. Manhattan Prep?

Evan Leary: Thank you. If you turn to section 1, you'll see why I'm here.
Burke: You think someone's embezzling scholarship money from the school's endowment.
Evan Leary: That's right.
Caffrey: It's his thesis statement.

Burke: Exactly. I'll approach the school as a wealthy parent with a teenage son. I'll need an alias.
Caffrey: Alistair Stone—a wealthy Hong Kong banker relocating to New York looking for a school for your son, Alistair Jr. You like catamarans and cognac.
Burke: It's like you're an alias savant. I do like catamarans, but let's go with Peter instead of Alistair.
Caffrey: Linda's gonna be upset.
Burke: Linda?
Caffrey: Your wife. She affectionately calls you "Ali."
Burke: She'll get over it. I'll schedule a meeting.
Caffrey: Let me. I'll be your amanuensis. Follow you around, write things down, make you look powerful.
Burke: My menu what? Can't you just say "assistant"?
Caffrey: Not at Manhattan Prep.

Caffrey: I might have graduated if I had gone somewhere like this.
Burke: I'm not surprised you like it here. Even the kindergartners wear ties.
Caffrey: You know, if my sentence gets commuted, I'd consider going back to school. Maybe get a master's, study abroad, publish.
Burke: Don't get ahead of yourself there, Hemingway. I haven't decided if I'm gonna close the Keller case. I told you—

Caffrey: You in trouble?
Student: A lot. I might get expelled.
Caffrey: Well, that's no good.
Student: Me and this other kid—
Caffrey: Here's what you do. Make eye contact. If they nod, you nod. Do what they do. It makes them think you're listening. Then you look them in the eye and tell them you're sorry. Don't look down, all right? That's a tell that you're lying.
Student: Sweet! Thanks.
Caffrey: You didn't hear that from me.

Secretary: Oh. Excuse me. Western poetry?
Caffrey: "I end not far from my going forth by picking the faded blue" Frost.
Secretary: Excellent! Mr. Cooper, you're in the wrong place. At least you wore a jacket.
Caffrey: I think you got me mixed up—
Secretary: If I had a song for every substitute I had to track down in these halls, I'd be Aretha Franklin.
Caffrey: Uh, I need to call my supervisor—
Secretary: Bell's about to ring, Mr. Cooper. You'll be late.
Caffrey: What kind of an example would that set?
Secretary: Don't know how you make teenagers care about reading.
Caffrey: You just have to be willing to focus on the work. So, where's my class? Thanks.

Caffrey: Lord Byron was described as mad, bad, and dangerous to know.
Burke: But he sure had a way with words. Don't mind me. I'm just here to observe, try to learn something.
Caffrey: Of course. Have a seat. Lord Byron wasn't the only poet to rebel against convention.
Burke: But some poets had to answer to someone, didn't they? Like a patron who made their careers possible?
Caffrey: We raise our hands in class. [Peter raises his hand.] Yes.
Burke: What if said poet worked for a patron and his poetry was perceived as insubordinate?
Caffrey: Well, most patrons respected the poet's process. Straying from the course was considered artistic license.
Burke: But was a wayward poet ever punished, say, by being locked in a garrote somewhere?
Caffrey: I'd have to do some research.

Burke: I said "Sit on a bench", not re-enact "Dead Poets Society."
Caffrey: You said focus on work. I did.
Burke: I did say that.
Caffrey: I found out Woods' daughter was in the class. It seemed relevant to the case.
Burke: Do you know how many parents would be up in arms if they knew their teenager was being taught by a felon?
Caffrey: Oh, trust me. It is better than being taught by the real Mr. Cooper.

Burke: You. You're done for the day. Go home.
Caffrey: Oh, good. That'll give me a chance to look over the syllabus. Tomorrow, we start on Dickens.
Burke: Someone has great expectations.

Mozzie: A battle won cancels every other bad action?
Caffrey: Yep.
Mozzie: Let's have a look. Oh, Manhattan Prep. Someone stealing lunch money?
Caffrey: Well, kind of. We're helping a scholarship student.
Mozzie: This Evan's a concise thinker. A flair for color. A facility with numbers.
Caffrey: And a massive crush on the daughter of the guy embezzling from the endowment.
Mozzie: Ah, so the lowly commoner is in love with the daughter of the evil king who's trying to destroy his life? Does he have a shot?
Caffrey: He might, if she knew he was alive.
Mozzie: Don't tell me. You rode into the classroom on your white stallion.
Caffrey: Chloe is a teenage girl obsessed with "Romeo and Juliet." She's in love with love.
Mozzie: So all we have to do is redirect her affection toward a more deserving and appropriate target—Evan?
Caffrey: Yes. Peter's got a lead on the case. I got to meet him at the office.
Mozzie: I'm gonna finish this burgundy. I have some thoughts on this.
Caffrey: I take it you'll be playing the part of the helpful friar who brings the star-crossed lovers together?
Mozzie: Sans vial of poison.
Caffrey: Good.

Burke: I walk in the classroom, and the girls were all glassy-eyed, like they saw that kid from those vampire movies.
Elizabeth: You know, I bet you Neal would be a good teacher.
Burke: Which will validate him even more.
Elizabeth: What do you mean?
Burke: It's a pattern. Neal misbehaves, but because he's Neal, he doesn't face the consequences, and he gets a gold star for it.
Elizabeth: This is bigger than this case.
Burke: I have to go on record next week about what happened with Keller.
Elizabeth: Oh.
Burke: Honey, if you don't want to talk about it, we don't have to.
Elizabeth: I am safe and sound on this patio with you. I am okay to talk about Keller. What's going on?
Burke: Only you and I know that Neal was involved with the art theft. There's no trail that leads back to him.
Elizabeth: And Keller confessed to stealing it.
Burke: If I sign off on this case, the art goes back to where it belongs, Keller serves life in prison, and I'm a hero for taking him down.
Elizabeth: But Neal gets away with it.
Burke: Yeah.
Elizabeth: He had the treasure, and he didn't leave. He gave it up for us. I think that says a lot about his character.
Burke: He had the treasure. That says a lot about his character.
Elizabeth: If you ask me, the right man is behind bars.

Caffrey: You can drop me off at Riverside.
Burke: You're embarrassed to be seen with me. Here you go.
Caffrey: Peter, we're 10 blocks from the school.
Burke: I know, but your cover's safe. Better walk fast.
Caffrey: Yes. Yes, I will, because I am a bright-eyed young substitute teacher getting a jump on his day.
Burke: When I get there, I'll ask to see Slater with questions about tuition to get him out of his office.
Caffrey: Which is when I go in and look for details about the endowment. I'll be in my class by the time the first bell rings.
Burke: Textbook behavior, Neal. I mean it.
Caffrey: You couldn't help yourself. Nope.

Caffrey: Well, if we could clear out the hallway...
Burke: I have an idea.
[Peter pulls the fire alarm.]
Caffrey: Did you just...?
Burke: Yeah, just get in the damn locker.

Caffrey: Isn't pulling a fire alarm illegal?
Burke: So send me to the principal's office.

Caffrey: Here. Ooh, careful, Papa Smurf.
Burke: Very funny.

Burke: Why did you invite Evan?
Caffrey: Because Woods might be more inclined to leave us alone if there's another kid there. And because Evan's in love with Chloe.
Burke: Ah. Which may help deflect her amorous designs on you.
Caffrey: One can hope.
Burke: I felt the same way about Mrs. Fitzgerald, my algebra teacher.
Caffrey: Thus your lifelong fascination with numbers.
Burke: And smart, leggy brunettes.

Mozzie: Not bad for big brother.
Caffrey: You're admiring government tech?
Mozzie: No, I-I'm, uh, I'm pitying it. It's terribly unwieldy.
Caffrey: I'll try not to let it weigh me down.

Caffrey: This is my associate.
Mozzie: Uh, Mr. Magwitch. Uh, we're gonna be acting as your benefactors.
Evan: What exactly will you be giving me?
Mozzie: Well, Neal is more of a romantic, and I'm a Machiavellian puppet master, so what we're gonna be giving you is...game. To get the girl.
Evan: You told him about Chloe?
Caffrey: This tutoring session is basically a first date. You got to be prepared.
Evan: It's not a first date. It's a tutoring session for "A Tale of Two Cities."
Mozzie: Do you have any idea how many women I've wooed by using an apropos quote from Victorian literature?
Evan: Really? How many?
Mozzie: Now, why are you wearing a cardigan and a sweater?
Evan: Um, I don't know. I just—I don't really know what to wear when I'm outside my school uniform.
Caffrey: That's all right. Let's focus more on how you wear it, all right?Uh, lose the cardigan/sweater combo.
Mozzie: And, for Holden Caulfield's sake, will you unbutton the shirt?
Caffrey: Yeah, just loosen it up. You need an air of mystery about you, okay? Smile like you got your own thing going on. She'll wonder what it is.
Mozzie: Yeah, and hair gel. I've heard great things.
Caffrey: I think our work here is done.
Mozzie: Carpe diem, Evan. Carpe diem.

Caffrey: Turns out an honor-roll student isn't such bad backup after all.
Burke: No, A-plus for both of you. And Jones already pulled several account numbers from the drive that you copied.
Caffrey: Sounds like another win for us.
Burke: For the bureau.
Caffrey: Well, of which I am an integral member.
Burke: Stop digging.
Caffrey: Digging?
Burke: You know my statement for the Keller case is coming up.
Caffrey: I won't ask you to lie.
Burke: But I don't have to tell them everything. Is that it?
Caffrey: Peter, I've got nothing to hide.
Burke: You sure about that?
Caffrey: Yes.
Burke: You can come out, Mozzie!
Mozzie: You have no proof I'm here!
Burke: There's a half a bottle of wine on the table and a whiff of camembert in the air.
Mozzie: Circumstantial!
Burke: I'll see you tomorrow.
Caffrey: See ya. Little sloppy.
Mozzie: Until that file is wiped, I'm keeping a safe distance from the bureau's favorite Brooks brother.
Caffrey: He hasn't made a decision. There's still a chance this could swing in our favor.
Mozzie: Well, we have a decision to make. Evan put himself on the map with Chloe tonight. He's got momentum.
Caffrey: Oh, time for the grand romantic gesture.
Mozzie: I was thinking a classic—flowers, fine chocolates. Or...this.
Caffrey: Evan's homework assignment?
Mozzie: A perfect handwriting sample. I can whip up a sonnet, and you could forge it.
Caffrey: Mozzie, I know why I want to help this kid, but why do you?
Mozzie: I want to see the little guy get the girl.
Caffrey: Oh.
Mozzie: Plus, I need a distraction.
Caffrey: You're worried about Peter.
Mozzie: And you're not?
Caffrey: Let's go with the sonnet.
Mozzie: I'll get my quill.

Mozzie: You'll be happy to know I just did the equivalent of the hoisting of the boom box.
Caffrey: Peter's in trouble. I need your help.
Mozzie: I'm on my way.

Mozzie: Turns out I did have need for a vial. Potassium carbonate, sucrose, and just a hint of nitrogen.
Caffrey: They have nitrogen here?
Mozzie: Oh, this really is an excellent school.

Burke: Slater, if you work with me, I might be able to strike you some kind of deal.
Slater: It's too late for that.
Caffrey: Well, that's a shame. He cuts a pretty good deal. I would know.

Caffrey: Actually, I'm not a teacher.
Woods: You...
Burke: You already know that I'm a federal agent. But guess what.
Diana: I am, too. You're under arrest for attempted murder and fraud.
Woods: Danielle?
Diana: It's Diana. And your girlfriend's cooking sucks.

Chloe: What's going to happen to him?
Caffrey: Well, he'll have to go to prison. Uh, Chloe, your life is about to change. I'm not gonna lie to you—it won't be easy. But don't run away from that. This could be an opportunity. A chance to start over, maybe live the life you really want. I got that chance, and it's the best thing that ever happened to me.

Burke: We've got early day tomorrow. Got to get a jump on the Mortenson real-estate scam. Nice tie.
Caffrey: Oh. It was a...thank-you gift from Evan. I know I-I complicated your life.
Burke: Stop. Don't say anything else.
Caffrey: Can I say thank you?
Burke: I told them the truth.
Caffrey: But you didn't tell them everything.
Burke: What you did on this case, how you carried yourself... Makes me believe this partnership can work.
Caffrey: I know what this opportunity means. Trust me.

"Upper West Side Story" Episode Guide Back to Season 3 Episode Guide