"Pilot" Quotes

Season 1, Episode 1 Air Date: October 23, 2009

After the safe explodes
Jones: How did you know it was gonna do that?
Burke: Three, two, four. Give me your phones. What does it spell?
Jones: Oh. FBI.
Burke: Yeah, FBI.
Jones: Apparently he knew we were coming.
Burke: You think so, Copernicus?

Burke: I see Kate moved out. Did she leave you a message in that?
Caffrey: The bottle is the message.
Burke: It's been a while.
Caffrey: Yeah, a few years, give or take.
Burke: Are you carrying?
Caffrey: You know I don't like guns.

Caffrey: How upset were the Canadians?
Burke: Oh, very... well, as upset as Canadians can get.

Caffrey: You've been after the Dutchman almost as long as you are after me. I'll help you catch him.
Burke: Really? Really, how does that work? You want to be prison pen pals?

Burke: There's more to this... more to this than some lost love — some side-angle he's playin'.
Elizabeth: So you're suggesting he escapes a maximum-security prison, knowing full well that you'd catch him, just so he could trick you into letting him out again?
Burke: It's a working theory.
Elizabeth: Yeah, keep working. Is it so hard for you to believe a man would do that for the woman he loves?

Elizabeth: If you were Neal, you wouldn't run for me?

Elizabeth: Can he help you find him?
Burke: Neal's smart. You know how much I like smart.
Elizabeth: Is he as smart as those Ivy League co-eds they throw at you?
Burke: He's almost as brilliant as a woman I married.
Elizabeth: Ooh, good answer!

Burke: It's perfect. Even the fricking coffee is perfect. (June laughs) That's not jewelry on his ankle, you know. He's a felon.
June: So was Byron.

Caffrey: Look, you tell me which rule I broke, and I will thumb it back to prison myself.
Burke: For starters, I work hard. I do my job well. And I don't have a $10 million view of Manhattan that I share with a 22-year-old art student while we sip espresso.
Caffrey: Why not?
Burke: Why not? Because I'm not supposed to. The amount of work I do equals certain things in the real world, not cappuccino in the clouds.
Caffrey: Look, I will find out where June buys her coffee if it's that important to you.
Burke: It's not about the coffee.
Caffrey: I think it is.
Burke: No, it's not. This is what gets you into trouble. This is the start of those something-for-nothing schemes that lead to the frauds that got you locked up.
Caffrey: I think it's some sort of Italian roast.
Burke: Get in the car.

Burke: You are way out of your league.
Caffrey: Oh, harmless flirting. It's like a dance.
Burke: Nah, there is no dance. You're not even on her dance card. No dancing for you.
Caffrey: Um, she digs the hat.
Burke: Um, she'd rather be wearing the hat.

Caffrey: I thought the FBI had a policy.
Burke: That's the military. We don't ask; we don't care.

Vincent: This is the only surviving copy.
Caffrey: Except it's a forgery.
Vincent: No. That's not possible.
Burke: What are you talking about?
Caffrey: It's the ink. This is iron gal dye mixed to match period colors, but it hasn't dried yet. You can still smell the gum Arabic.
Vincent: Uh, no. This has been here since 1952.
Caffrey: It's been here less than a week.
Vincent gulps.

Caffrey: What's she into?
Burke: Sexually?
Caffrey: No! No. Existentially. What makes her feel alive?
Burke: I'm drawing a blank.
Caffrey: How could you not know? When you were chasing me, you knew my shoe size, what time I woke up in the morning.
Burke: That's the job. Very different.
Caffrey: So, a relationship isn't work?
Burke: Oh, no, no. You don't get to lecture me on relationships. My wife didn't change her identity and flee the country to get away from me.

Burke: What am I gonna do?
Caffrey: No. No more relationship advice from this side of the car. Call Dr. Phil, okay?

Caffrey: How did you get in here?
Mozzie: I used this. (Lifts up his fist.) I knocked.

Mozzie: You know the worst thing about art forgery? You can't take credit for your work.

Burke: Did you just lie to the priest?
Caffrey: Do you think Diana is attractive?
Burke: Yeah
Caffrey: Then we're good.

Burke: You're on my couch.
Caffrey: Yeah, I came to talk to you. And Peter, I have to say, you have such an amazing wife.
Burke: Yeah, I like her. Get off my couch.

Caffrey: Did you really put Elizabeth under surveillance before you asked her out? Peter, I underestimated you.
Burke: You told him?
Elizabeth: He said he wanted to make sure that I wasn't seeing anybody else. Honey, I think it's cute.
Caffrey: I think it's adorable.
Burke: I'm putting you back in prison.

Caffrey: This is your wife's Visa bill.
Burke: Yeah. I got it all. Her eBay bids, video rentals, library books. Thank you, Patriot Act.
Caffrey: So you're stalking your own wife?
Burke: Want to compare notes?
Caffrey: Touché.

Caffrey: You don't smoke.
Mozzie: What was I supposed to do? Fire off a flare?

Caffrey: You figure out your anniversary plans yet?
Burke: I'm gettin' close, very close.
Caffrey: So... you got nothing?
Burke: Nothing.

Burke: You know, you're really bad at this escape thing.
Caffrey: What can I say? Cigar?
Burke: Cuban?
Caffrey: You should arrest me.
Burke: I'll let the cigar go, but you are a fleeing suspect.

Burke: You know, this makes me 3-0.
Caffrey: Maybe I'm not trying hard enough.

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